Someday i will look into the mirror and if i would dare to be honest, not recognize the person staring back at me anymore. It is painful to admit.
In a rare moment of total clarity, I'm acknowledging that there is a very wide gap between the person I perceive myself to be and the real person that I am when the curtains are drawn. There is no flowery symbolism here, only pure truth.
It's hard to acknowledge that in the past year I have widened that gap with my vices, addictions and happy-clappy-religious sentiments. All the while maintaining my well crafted mask of decency. At the end of the day, who am i deceiving.
They say money brings out the worst in men - it is true. It's a subtle transformation that you barely realize whilst it's happening. When you have less concerns, you naturally have more time and resources to chase the wind and fulfil idle fantasies.
It's a common sense truth. What will shock you is how your self righteousness convinced you blindly that such daftness could never happen to you. It has happened to me, it will happen to you, there is nothing new under the sun. I pray you get all you hope for.
An old prayer sliced through my heart today; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord ?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor your name. But dare we utter such madness knowing where we have come from?
I hope you do not get this wrong and lament how he has descended into utter foolishness. That is not the point. On one hand, you might say nothing has changed - infact these days have refined me. I am smarter, sharper, more discerning than ever. But therein also lies my own archille's heel. Details never helped anybody. But if you seek not just to be entertained, my life has always been an open book to strangers.
So here I stand in this place littered with all the words that have in the past, been carefully crafted with hidden symbolism. Known to only me and few how each single word on here holds a fragment of the real person that I am. Surrounded on here by strangers, friends and foes, pick your side - break me or mend me! Pick a side!
They say the first step to fixing a problem is identifying the source of the leakage, being totally honest with yourself and cutting the BS. This is my first step and I'd be a fool to let anyone convince me again with vain platitudes. "You're being too hard on yourself. We're only human". I know better. I can do better. #%$*, help me do better.
I recently read Rachel Moran's journey through prostitution in the book 'paid for'. One thing that struck me is how she realized that if she didn't get up and fight for her own soul today, she'd be doomed to never leave her current life of depravity. So I ask myself, If I continued on my present path, where does this road lead to?
This is where life traps us so perfectly. The thing about idle indulgences is how these habits form, trap the unknowing and slowly change us - redefining every fancy conviction you once held on to. There are very few things that will damn you instantly. It's the subtle transformations that kill us all.
I used to look to mainstream Christianity for answers but I feel it's all been sadly bastardised. We want for convenient gods to fit our own personal agendas and propaganda. So I'm desperately turning back the old pages in these rare moments of utter clarity, searching for truth that isn't just mainstream motivational garbage.
What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and loose his soul? Mind the gap, Tee. Today you dance dangerously close to the edge.
This is a T.Note.